I could start this with “I had another existential crisis recently” but that’s not quite the truth. I had a couple realisations, that’s for sure, but they weren’t really negative – they were, in fact, quite the opposite (I think??).
In March I wrote this really long rant about my family and other people’s families and how I felt like I didn’t really belong anywhere and didn’t fit in. I complained that I wish my family was different and more like me because I felt like I didn’t have anything to talk about with them but whenever I was around people like my “ideal” family I felt not good enough for them either.
Seven months passed since then and in these months I experienced a lot and I realised a couple things that have made my life better.
Last year in October my parents and I got a cat, a beautiful baby called Merlin. He’s the light of my life and sometime this year I finally understood how good getting him was not just for me personally, but also for the relationship between my parents and me. As I mentioned above and in the old blog post, I felt for a long time like I didn’t have anything in common with my parents and that we didn’t really talk about anything interesting or spent some quality time. But when we got my kitten, we spent so much time playing with him and taking care of him and there hasn’t been a single day since October on which we didn’t ask each other where the cat was or told a funny story about him at dinner.
Also, being away for a couple months this year also helped put things into perspective a little. I like travelling and seeing other places a lot but I love coming home to my kitty and my own place.
I do think that my parents still aren’t super interested in travelling or movies or whatever I care about, but on some topics, they do care and we can talk about them. My dad has started writing down the names of cat (or other animals) videos he found on YouTube and I will watch them later and probably also show them to my mum. We had a great time watching a few Star Wars movies in October. We have a common ground when complaining about my grandparents. And now that I’m back in school they finally know what questions to ask me and will get a proper answer from me, yay!
These are all small things but they heavily contribute to us having a better relationship. I know I’m generally pretty lucky when it comes to my parents but for so long I felt like something was missing, and now that’s not quite the case anymore.
This also goes for the rest of my family. They are still not as good at talking to me and acknowledging what I actually do and care about as my parents are, but they finally stopped asking about my future and just ask me about school. And recently at a birthday party, I found two new topics to talk about: school in general and travelling. Most of my cousins’ six kids are now in school and I had a really interesting conversation with one of my cousins about school and what could or should be improved or not. We don’t agree on everything but it was interesting nevertheless and I was surprised that this is now a topic we share. It makes sense though, she cares a lot about her children and their education and seems relatively involved in their primary school, so why not talk about it.
We also talked about which school subjects I’m interested in and I compared a few travel experiences with my aunt and I definitely felt more acknowledged than before and not as much like the odd one out. I still am in many ways but I don’t think it’s much of an issue for me anymore.
I also had a couple positive experiences the other way round, as in I didn’t feel “not good enough” in situations where I did before. There were a few instances with friends and their friends or families this summer where I felt way more comfortable talking and engaging in the conversations and didn’t feel like I wasn’t a proper part of this “group” and I know that I felt like that before. That makes me really happy and I’m glad I gained a lot more confidence and insight into myself this year. 2017 is totally a year of growth for me and since going back to school in September this is happening even more.
I’m learning so much every day, not just facts and how to calculate a billion economics things, but also about myself. I found out how much I actually love learning, how I like to engage in the lessons and talk to people about school stuff and help those who aren’t quite as good as I am. I like learning if it’s something that interests me and I learned that I can actually motivate myself sometimes. It doesn’t work every single day, but it works so much better than during my apprenticeship. I’m not afraid of talking to people in my class and I’m getting along with many of them.
I’ve had so many great experiences this year and I’m so glad I found out so much about myself.
I hope you’re all having a good time, see you soon ❤