re: unsorted thoughts on family and belonging

I could start this with “I had another existential crisis recently” but that’s not quite the truth. I had a couple realisations, that’s for sure, but they weren’t really negative – they were, in fact, quite the opposite (I think??).

In March I wrote this really long rant about my family and other people’s families and how I felt like I didn’t really belong anywhere and didn’t fit in. I complained that I wish my family was different and more like me because I felt like I didn’t have anything to talk about with them but whenever I was around people like my “ideal” family I felt not good enough for them either.

Seven months passed since then and in these months I experienced a lot and I realised a couple things that have made my life better.

Last year in October my parents and I got a cat, a beautiful baby called Merlin. He’s the light of my life and sometime this year I finally understood how good getting him was not just for me personally, but also for the relationship between my parents and me. As I mentioned above and in the old blog post, I felt for a long time like I didn’t have anything in common with my parents and that we didn’t really talk about anything interesting or spent some quality time. But when we got my kitten, we spent so much time playing with him and taking care of him and there hasn’t been a single day since October on which we didn’t ask each other where the cat was or told a funny story about him at dinner.
Also, being away for a couple months this year also helped put things into perspective a little. I like travelling and seeing other places a lot but I love coming home to my kitty and my own place.

I do think that my parents still aren’t super interested in travelling or movies or whatever I care about, but on some topics, they do care and we can talk about them. My dad has started writing down the names of cat (or other animals) videos he found on YouTube and I will watch them later and probably also show them to my mum. We had a great time watching a few Star Wars movies in October. We have a common ground when complaining about my grandparents. And now that I’m back in school they finally know what questions to ask me and will get a proper answer from me, yay!

These are all small things but they heavily contribute to us having a better relationship. I know I’m generally pretty lucky when it comes to my parents but for so long I felt like something was missing, and now that’s not quite the case anymore.

This also goes for the rest of my family. They are still not as good at talking to me and acknowledging what I actually do and care about as my parents are, but they finally stopped asking about my future and just ask me about school. And recently at a birthday party, I found two new topics to talk about: school in general and travelling. Most of my cousins’ six kids are now in school and I had a really interesting conversation with one of my cousins about school and what could or should be improved or not. We don’t agree on everything but it was interesting nevertheless and I was surprised that this is now a topic we share. It makes sense though, she cares a lot about her children and their education and seems relatively involved in their primary school, so why not talk about it.

We also talked about which school subjects I’m interested in and I compared a few travel experiences with my aunt and I definitely felt more acknowledged than before and not as much like the odd one out. I still am in many ways but I don’t think it’s much of an issue for me anymore.

I also had a couple positive experiences the other way round, as in I didn’t feel “not good enough” in situations where I did before. There were a few instances with friends and their friends or families this summer where I felt way more comfortable talking and engaging in the conversations and didn’t feel like I wasn’t a proper part of this “group” and I know that I felt like that before. That makes me really happy and I’m glad I gained a lot more confidence and insight into myself this year. 2017 is totally a year of growth for me and since going back to school in September this is happening even more.

I’m learning so much every day, not just facts and how to calculate a billion economics things, but also about myself. I found out how much I actually love learning, how I like to engage in the lessons and talk to people about school stuff and help those who aren’t quite as good as I am. I like learning if it’s something that interests me and I learned that I can actually motivate myself sometimes. It doesn’t work every single day, but it works so much better than during my apprenticeship. I’m not afraid of talking to people in my class and I’m getting along with many of them.

I’ve had so many great experiences this year and I’m so glad I found out so much about myself.

I hope you’re all having a good time, see you soon ❤


and all their words for glory

and all their words for glory

Glory – a song by my favourite band, Bastille – is for me a song about friendships, road trips, having fun, getting a bit drunk and maybe forgetting everything else for a little while. In the past few weeks, I fell in love with this song more and more.

I spent most of 2017 not in work or school but either travelling, relaxing at home or being with friends. I made hundreds of new memories and experiences, I learned new things and I enjoyed most of it so much.

The last two or so months were even better than what came before. I again spent more time with the friends in my hometown, I talked more to them and we met and had fun, I went travelling to see some of my best friends in the world again, I saw new places and people and found amazing books and movies and music to occupy my time with.

Now, this probably best summer of my life has ended. This Tuesday, I went back to school and I’m probably going to be rather busy from now on. I don’t quite know what to expect and how it’s going to be and that’s both exciting and scary. So naturally, I’m getting quite emotional and melancholy now, thinking back and thinking ahead. September has always been a time for feelings like that, but for the first time in a few years, I truly feel more excited and… safe? … than scared.

I’m worried I won’t talk as much to my friends, all of them, but I also know communication is a two-way street so it’s not just my responsibility and it will probably be fine anyway. I’m worried school will be very stressful and tough but I also know I can be a rather good student and I just have to wait and see. I’m worried I won’t be able to do all the amazing ideas I have for next year but I know that even if I’m not able to do it all, something will always work out.

Back to the song Glory. If you watched the video – and if you haven’t, I encourage you to do it now – you can see two people on a road trip, recounting their stories, having fun, making everything a bit more dramatic and entertaining than it actually was and everything also has this beautiful aesthetic and colouring. This music video really resembles my current emotions in a way, I can’t tell you exactly why, but it’s the truth.

Sure, not everything I experienced since January was fun. I had problems with bureaucracy and I felt really insecure in certain moments and was worried I would waste this year. But I also did a lot and spent so much time doing things I love and enjoy and even if there were moments in between that weren’t as great (and there are always were some) I don’t think about those too much because they aren’t what’s most important.

What’s most important is that I had great times. And yes, thinking back to certain moments I do tend to glorify and dramatise them a tiny bit, but who doesn’t? I’m human, after all (I’m sure you wouldn’t have guessed) and we have always been unreliable narrators – just like Dan and the girl in the Glory video, who can’t decide on the right way to tell their stories.

So I suppose I’m going to be fine. I’m going to remember this summer and this year because I took many opportunities and because I had such great people around me. I’m sad it’s over but I’m glad everything happened the way it did. Now I’m just trying to be less fearful of what’s to come.

things that are happening

things that are happening

this is some sort of update / what is going on / way for me to sort my life out blog post. feel free to ignore or not in case you’re interested in my life. I know that I am, haha.

also, yes, cat pic as the header because my kitty is cute af and everyone should see that. in case you haven’t followed me for long: he is called Merlin, is 11 months old and the light of my life. unfortunately, most of my cat pics are still on my phone but maybe I should do another cat pic post soon. I don’t know about you but it makes me very happy looking at dozens of pictures of this cutie.

what am I doing right now

Currently, I’m just sitting on my couch with my laptop on my legs. I’m waiting for the coffee to finish so that I can have lunch with my parents. Afterwards, I will go to this refugee tutoring thing. I hope today are actually people there. I really want to know how the older kids I talked to before are and how they are doing in school and where I can help them more.

what am I waiting for

I’m waiting for a response from the school I will go to in September but it’s not that big of a deal. Next Saturday is Pride in Munich and I’m definitely excited for that. I want to have loads of fun again and meet my friends and I hope it will be as great as the last two years! I’m also waiting for the local fair to start next Friday and I hope I can meet up with my friends there on the weekend. I’m also waiting for Spiderman Homecoming on Thursday (why is it out here later than everywhere else?? also, someone please force me to write the review asap or I’ll procrastinate it again). I’m also waiting for August because then I will travel again and see friends again and I’m so excited for it and I hope it will be great! And in a way, I’m also waiting for September and for school because I want to see how it goes and how easy or hard it is there for me.

what should I be doing asap

I should tell my parents about my travel plans but for some reason, I really hate doing that. But I’m going away in less than a month so I should update them at some point. I should also finally start learning or practising a couple of things that I should have started ages ago but I’ve been too scared or worried the whole time. I know it’s not getting better with time but… I just can’t bring myself to do these things. I also wish I would finally feel like learning a language again. I really want to practice either French or Swedish again but… meh.

what am I reading right now

I’m currently reading Eurovision! A History of Modern Europe Through the World’s Greatest Song Contest by Chris West and it’s so interesting. It combines the history of the Eurovision Song Contest with the history of Europe. So the author basically tells you what happened at the same time and also how Eurovision got influenced by various historical events. Two of my favourite topics are combined in this book and so far it’s just great.

what am I watching right now

Uhh… nothing? I finished The Get Down very recently and now I should start something else I wanted to watch for a while but I just don’t do it. I really want to get back into a few TV shows but the motivation just isn’t there. I started the fourth and last season of Skam recently and I should totally continue it. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I also planned on watching a few Game of Thrones episodes before the new season starts but I don’t know if I will manage to do so.

what are my plans

As I mentioned above, I’m going travelling again. I will go to Cardiff for a couple days in just a month with a friend of mine. I hope it will be fun and I hope we can see loads of things. Two weeks after I come back I will leave again, for Warsaw and then Berlin (just like I did in February, but shorter). I’m going to meet to of my very best friends again and I’m really excited for that! AND I will see those two lovely places without freezing my ass off, yay!

what kind of bigger things happened recently

  • I was in a relationship for like a month and a half but it didn’t really work out. I still hope we will stay friends. So far it’s looking good.
  • There is this group of young LGBTQ people who go to schools to tell kids (but not exclusively kids) about LGBTQ people in an effort to fight stigma etc. and I went with them once and it was great and I will go again. I have no idea how this will work out when I have school again but we will see. I’m trying not to pressure myself too much because then I’ll just get even more anxious about everything.
  • I’ve now been to the refugee tutoring group four times and I hope I can continue going there in autumn when I have school again. It’s fun and I like helping people! And everyone there is super nice!
  • I’m reading so much. It’s amazing. I’m currently at 72% of my 2017 reading goal and I’ve read so many amazing books! Yay!
  • Last week I went to a friend’s prom and I saw some friends again I don’t see often and I was so happy because I saw several of them between one and three times within one week and I really like them and I realised I kind of missed hanging out with them? I really hope we can meet more often over the summer or something but I know I never ask people to meet for some reason (I don’t know, I just never do it? I think I should but then I just… don’t) and that makes that a bit harder. We’ll see.
  • I’m really just enjoying this time off and it’s pretty great so far!

This is super random but I feel like I needed to do that at some point. If you’re reading this I hope you’re having an amazing day!

See you soon ❤

travelling alone

I am quite proud of myself right now.

I travelled to two different countries – Sweden and Denmark – for over a week and I was all alone there. Sure, I met a friend there a few times but most of the time I spent alone and I booked everything alone and was alone in my hostels and so on.

And I didn’t feel lonely. Not once. And I managed to do everything, I didn’t get lost (okay, once, for five minutes but let’s forget about that), I met people and I had fun.

I have never been on a trip alone, not like that. Before I might have travelled for 5 or 6 or 10 hours to a foreign, new place but there I would have a friend waiting for me and they would be my guide and I would live with them for the time of my stay. And it wasn’t like that on this trip at all.

But I still had so much fun and was happy and excited basically all of the time. Especially in Copenhagen, I had such an amazing time because I had the opportunity to meet and talk to dozens of new people in my hostel and I actually took this chance, every day of my stay, and spent some time with those people and learned things about them and where they’re coming from.

For someone who often feels like they are not able to communicate properly with people and who is very anxious about groups of people that’s a great thing!

I talked to my roommates who were from the UK, Finland, Portugal and Greece and to so many people in the restaurant/bar/breakfast/lobby area who were from the US, Canada, Italy, Spain, Greece, the UK, Finland and Germany (and other places, probably) and they were all great people and we talked so much about travelling and where everyone had been before and which places are great and shared some tips and it was just really, really nice, to feel so happy and like I belong in this group of strangers from all over the world.

I wish I could have this experience more often. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I want to travel more. As soon as possible. And while I’m now definitely not afraid of going alone.

Sure, not in every hostel you really talk to people or have the chance to. In fact, in Malmö and Göteborg I barely exchanged a word with others there, but I also kinda just wanted that after having talked to so many. I’m still an introvert after all. (None of the hostels I stayed at in Sweden was a place for meeting loads of people, though.)

I’m now so excited to go to Vienna and Budapest in May (I booked everything today, ajjj!) and I hope the atmosphere there will be closer to what I experienced in Copenhagen because it was amazing and made me come out of my shell!

I’m really tired right now and I don’t know if anything I’ve written so far makes actual sense but I’m happy with how my trip went and I want to remember that. It’s easy for me to focus on the awkward and bad but oh, there’s so much good too!


unsorted thoughts on families and not belonging

I had an existential crisis recently.

It was, of course, not the first time this has happened but I realised a few things quite out of the blue. And honestly, that’s never good for me because then I go on analysing myself for a few hours until I end up either crying or lying on the floor being annoyed with myself (who am I kidding, I’m always crying, I cry way too easily to not cry when I’m emotional).

Anyway, I wanted to write about this because I have so many thoughts about this topic stuck in my head and I want to note them down somewhere.

For years I have always felt like I’m different than my family and relatives. Everyone in my family is very German, very Bavarian. With only two exceptions everyone lives in the same region and the others are only a two-hour drive away. Without any exception no one in my family went to university, no one (apart from that one cousin in a part of the family we don’t talk to) has Abitur/A-Levels, whatever you want to call it. Most either work(ed) in an office in some kind of administration job, in retail or some kind of mechanic/builder type job. No one in my parent’s generation speaks more than very, very basic English and no one went abroad for a longer period of time. (Most even are kinda religious but that doesn’t really play a huge role in anything.) And everyone speaks Bavarian dialect.

And then there’s me. Me, who is queer/bisexual, who wants to travel loads, who is better in school than my parents or uncles or aunts ever were, who wants to get my stupid Abitur and go to university, who really wants to move away, who is an atheist, who despises speaking Bavarian and who can’t stand how conservative and narrow-minded and boring everyone is.

I feel more and more that all the things I care about, that define and interest me, are things no one else in my family gives a damn about. And this is not so much about my parents (they are really okay, they might not really get me but they are there and let me do my thing) but about everyone else and, especially, how I feel when we have some kind of gathering. Because then usually talks about kids (oh yes, I’m also not a huge fan of kids) and people I don’t know and will never know and their houses and neighbours and families and ugh… There’s rarely a topic I can talk about too. Those topics are usually politics related and yes, I can talk about that, but there again I notice that I’m way less conservative than most of the people in the room. I get bored and annoyed whenever I talk to my relatives for a while.

Last year one of my aunts asked me why I’m not speaking the Bavarian dialect that everyone uses and that I grew up with too. I think I answered something along the lines “I just don’t want to, I haven’t used it for a while, I don’t really like it”. Those points are all true but I also just don’t like to speak it because I don’t feel connected to the people that use it. I feel way more connected to people that speak high German and most of my friends speak that too AND I probably want to separate myself from my family even more AND I noticed I kind of associate heavy dialect with being less educated and/or narrow-mindedness. (That doesn’t mean I think everyone who speaks a dialect is stupid, but some are and, whatever, this mostly has to do with my family anyway.)

So yeah, I feel different from the people I’m related to and I feel like I’m not really as much a part of this family as the others are because I have all these different goals and interests. And I don’t necessarily hate that I am like this but it annoys me a lot that they are how they are (even though they can’t do anything about that, and I know that, but I can’t really help it) and that those two things don’t really fit together.

I would like for my family to be more open-minded, to be more intelligent or intellectual or educated because I would like to be able to learn from them or for them to tell me about things like university and studying and all that but no one can relate to that at all. And I think that some of my relatives kind of gave up on trying to ask me questions because they also noticed that they always ask about things that don’t really apply to me, or something (but I wish they’d try more…).

So this is part 1 of the “not belonging” existential crisis but there is more. I have no idea if anything I wrote up there makes any sense at all (or if anyone is even reading so far) but yeah.

I’m going to try to summarise part 2 as quickly as possible because my head is starting to ache badly and I want to get this all off my chest.

Additionally to all the stuff above I also realised that I don’t feel like I belong in the kinds of families that are like I sometimes wish mine was. I have a bunch of friends whose parents have university degrees and read more news and generally read more and care more about the things I also care about. But at the same time, I feel like I’m… I don’t know… fake, or not good enough when I spend time with them (not when I’m alone with my friends I guess but with several people or the families, at dinner and such). Because where I feel “superior” or smarter concerning a certain topic with my own family I feel not intelligent or educated enough with other people, other families. Because they talk differently and about different topics and sound smarter and word things better than I am used to and that kind of freaks me out and makes me feel like I should be like that too but I’m not quite. And then I worry if I will ever be like that and if I would be different if my parents would be smarter or something and then I feel bad because my parent’s decisions are theirs and I don’t have a shitty life because of them or something like that but I still question why they are like they are and why I am different and AHH.

Maybe no one understands what I’m talking about and maybe this is a very stupid and first world problem to complain or feel bad about but… I do feel bad about this and I can’t help thinking about it constantly. Also, because I feel like I don’t belong with any of the above-mentioned groups but when will I feel like I belong? With whom? Will I just get used to it or will I change or not…?

it’s a mess of a first blogpost in 2017

it’s a mess of a first blogpost in 2017

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you out there who are reading this!

You made it. You made it through a year that had 366 days and was a leap second longer than any other year as well. You made it through a year that for sure had a ton of ups and downs. Maybe more downs than ups.

Maybe it was an impossible year for you… (I love this cover a lot, please watch it)

… but no matter how it was, 2017 is now here and we don’t need to be so scared of it. Everyone is currently saying “this year must be better than 2016″ and that worries me a bit. I’m an old pessimist (sometimes) and my mind can’t go anywhere but “WHAT IF IT’S A SHIT YEAR AND WE JUST DON’T KNOW YET??!!” and that sucks a bit. Sure, maybe it will be a shit year BUT we don’t know yet! Who knows how this year is gonna go? No one, right? So let’s at least try to take it step by step.

You might notice, this is more a blogpost to myself than to anyone else. I’m always scared of new things and that includes new years because I know what kind of things I will face soon and they scare me a lot. I will finish my apprenticeship in a few weeks and I have a ton of stuff to deal with at work and I’m scared of my exam and I have to figure a lot of stuff out because I basically don’t know what I will do between February and September and I worry that my plans won’t work out.

But I’m trying here, okay? I’m going to try to enjoy my last week of vacation as best as I can and I’m going to try to figure stuff out. And if I just figure out WHAT scares me most that’s already a good thing.

May your year be good and may you never forget your own awesomeness!

See you soon ❤

some unsorted thoughts on religion

I actually wanted to write about either music or TV shows I found out about in 2016 but somehow my brain had other ideas. Whatever.

I talked to my best friend recently about going to church for Christmas or not. Both of us weren’t really sure and in the end they went with their family and I didn’t go with my mum for the first time ever, because so far it just… was tradition to go on Christmas Eve. We talked a bit about how church and Christianity is so prominent in our lives and how weird that must be for people of other religions or generally people who don’t celebrate Christmas or Easter or anything like that.

Especially Christmas though… it was everywhere, right? Everywhere were and still are Christmas lights and special Christmas advertisments and special offes and tips on what to give your mother/wife/boyfriend etc. So man companies are sending out Christmas wishes to their customers and suppliers even though you don’t really know who reads those and if they celebrate or not.
It’s weird, isn’t it, how this Christian festival is so cemented into our lives even though many of us are not religious and it actually is just… a belief. Part of a religion.

I’ve been having some problems with beliefs and religion and especially Christianity for years now. I was born a catholic christian and my mum and actually all my family was born catholic. I also live in a very catholic AND conservative area (yay!) which I’m not really a fan of. I was christened and I had my first holy communion and even had my confirmation in 7th grade (or 8th?) even though I had doubts if I really should do that. I probably believed in god at some point. But I definitely stopped years ago. I believe that something is out there that we don’t know about but if that’s just aliens or an afterlife or whatever… I don’t know! No one knows! We will see! Or not!

Where were my thoughts going again?? I actually wanted to talk about how much religion still affects us, no matter if we believe in god or the sacraments or the bible or Jesus or whatever.

Take school for an example. We had actual services for our school?? At the beginning of the year and at the end and I think also for Christmas and Easter but I’m not really sure about those anymore. What has school to do with church? With Christianity especially? Religion class, okay, if it really has to be, but those services and crosses in most class rooms and I think we actually prayed in the mornings leading up to… hm, 9th grade? That’s just too much in my opinion. No one needs that. If you need to pray, do that alone but not in school were you are supposed to be educated not made a Christian. Or something. As soon as you are done with school no one cares about that, not at professional school or university or work. So why in school?

That’s one of my biggest problems with religion. That you have to deal with it no matter if you want to or not because somehow it’s actually everywhere. I find that incredibly annoying. I would actually love to confront my old religion teachter about that, he’d probably have some interesting answers.

Let’s talk about politics for a second… my country (Germany) and my state (Bavaria) are both led by parties that have “Christian” in their names. CSU and CDU, Christian social union and christian democrativ union. Shouldn’t state and church be separated? Shouldn’t politics have nothing to do with religion? I know it’s allowed blah blah and they represent christian values blah blah but it seems really weird to me. Germany is not a 100% Christian country so why are we governed by people who seem to be that. (Not to mention that those parties’ values and policies are actually not so christian and more racist and discrimminating but I think that’s a topic for another blogpost)

There’s been a lot of hate against Islam in the last few months/year/probably forever but to me it’s more prominent now in, well, in my country but probably all over the world. People say that only Muslims are terrorists and kill so many people (which is wrong) and that Islam doesn’t belong into (for example) Germany, which – to me – also sounds so wrong because how can you say that a persons belief doesn’t belong here when you also have a belief that many people find stupid or not relatable but as they are white and German and used to our culture that doesn’t matter at all? Or something?

Ah, I don’t know, I’m pretty fed up with people talking about religion as if it was the most important thing in the world. It’s not. To me it’s incredibly unimportant and I wish people could just learn to separate religion from so many other things. Relgion doesn’t equal hate, it doesn’t equal set rules that need to be followed, religion doesn’t equal “I am right with everything I say cause I think it says so in the Bible but actually idk”. It means something different for everyone. For many people it is important, sure. But I feel like whenever religion is mentioned recently it is because people, no matter which religion they belong to, did something hateful. And that really sucks.

It also really sucks that people think because of religion homophobia or transphobia or xenophobia or anything like that is okay. But honestly, I’m too tired to go on.

Have a lovely last day of 2016.