missed changes, but in a good way

There is a thing that I can’t really let go even though it’s rather unnecessary and not exactly great for my own good and I’d describe it as “missed changes and the inability of letting the past go”.

It’s not something I struggle with the whole time, or even a lot, but I do sometimes and if I get into the right mood I’ll ruin my whole day with it.

I don’t easily take opportunities because I’m too scared of them and I also often contemplate the things I could have done differently. That doesn’t necessarily mean those different paths would have made my life a lot better, but sometimes I can’t help but think that way.

An example:
“What if I had gone go Gymnasium after elementary school and not Realschule?”(I’m not going to explain the German school system here so deal with it. I did that before and it takes too long.)
I don’t even know why this question came up so often in my mind in the last two years. Right now I’m mostly okay with it but oh, I had a lot of arguments with myself about this topic. Probably because it’s one of the biggest choices a German child makes and it affects the next couple of years of your life greatly. Anyway, whenever I feel really unhappy with my current situation I can’t help but think of the people I would have met at Gymnasium, or the people I’d be more friends with than I am now, or how I wouldn’t have had to deal with the whole apprenticeship disaster (it’s not a disaster by the way). Also, if I had done that I could go to university now and I’d be able to leave this town, this area, and go to another place. That’s something I really want to do because sometimes I’m just so sick of my area, mostly because I feel like everything stays the same and is boring.
This year so many of my friends graduated from Gymnasium and I noticed that their classes all seem to be these huge communities and you do so much together and you have the chance to get involved and organise stuff as well. And when I heard about all those things I got a little bit jealous because I didn’t have it like that when I graduated from Realschule and I’m pretty sure I won’t have it on any of the other schools I’m going to.

At some point I noticed that it’s rather stupid to feel sorry for myself because I chose a path that at the time seemed to be the best option for myself. Well okay, it’s probably not even stupid, it’s very human to want all the things you can’t have.

To be honest, I’m quite proud of myself. I learned a lot about myself in the last… year? maybe? I actually don’t have a clue. I learn something about myself all the time but right now I’m kind of looking back on the things I have learned and that have helped me and I’m glad. I’m glad that I read a lot and find ways to live a more happy than sad life. Sure, lots of things still make me cry and scream and be angry but that’s okay. No one is happy the whole time. I sure am not.

I realized that I don’t NEED to think about the past, about the choices I made. I don’t need to question them the whole time. If I had chosen differently some things would have been great, probably, but on the other hand I had a lot of amazing experiences and moments in the path that I chose. I’m not unhappy. In fact, lots of things make me really happy. So instead of getting down on things that don’t affect me (anymore) because they are either already over or never happened at all I want to live more in the present.

Maybe this is my epiphany. If so, I’m glad I have it.

See you soon ❤

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