On November 8 I will fly to London again, so in exactly two weeks. I will live in a host family and work in a company for three weeks (as an intern). I’m definitely excited and I hope all goes well but there’s so much I want to or have to take care of and this stresses me immensely.
I know a lot of this stuff I’m worrying about will resolve itself or will be resolved very quickly/soon or I just don’t have to worry about it because I just don’t KNOW yet and I have to wait and see and don’t worry too much but STILL.
(I’m also pretty sure that I write “just” way too often, sorry)
So, the thing I’m most scared of or worried about concerning the internship is actually my mental health. I’m really scared of feeling lonely and shit and depressed so far away from home and other people noticing. I know I’ll probably have some bad days because that’s just how my life is but I don’t want people to see me like that. My parents don’t know anything and they mostly just leave me alone anyway and don’t ask but I don’t want my host family to think I’m weird or antisocial or unfriendly or whatever (and I do tend to get unfriendly and incredibly grumpy when I just want to cry or run away). I will live with a friend and another girl from my class in this host family and that’s good and I’m glad I’m there with those two but I’m scared of not acting “normal” in front of them (at least the one that doesn’t know how easily I cry and how not okay I sometimes am). I usually don’t want to be alone when I’m not feeling great because I know a hug would help and crying into the shoulder of someone I love is really good but I usually AM alone and that will be different and I don’t know if I can actually “let go of my feelings” when I know people are around. But at the same time I’m scared of being alone or panicking when my friend isn’t around or generally feeling alone even though I’m not. I know this is probably pretty stupid but I can’t help it. I wish I would know that I’ll be feeling okay for those three weeks or that at least my friend will be around during those times. Then again I wish she wouldn’t have to deal with me because I’m sure it MUST annoy her because why wouldn’t it? I’m just weird and fucked up. And I know you’re probably reading this love and maybe wondering why I don’t just talk about this with you but I can’t right now, I’m sorry.
I really don’t know what to do with me and my thoughts sometimes.
Another thing I’m worried about is the actual work. We don’t know yet in what kinds of companies we will work in or where or ANYTHING. I really don’t like not knowing everything so this is… great. I hope the job will be okay and I’ll like it but what if I don’t? What if I hate it, what if I’m anxious around my co-workers, what if I have to talk to a lot of people, what if I have to do stuff I’m very uncomfortable with? What if I panic? I can’t know any of those things before we get information or before I actually work there but they are still coming up all the time.
Then there’s all the planning and stuff. There’s so much I haven’t taken care of because TIME and ANXIETY and I don’t know what to do or how to do it or because I’m overwhelmed with everything. There are what seems like hundreds of small things I have to do or think about but… ugh, it’s too much. I need to think about how much money I want to take with me and actually GET this money, I need to think about what to take with me, what I need, what kind of hand luggage, I need to get some answers from my best friend concerning that etc. I wish this all would just resolve itself because right now I don’t want to do anything and I’m overwhelmed and not ready to deal with it.
I’m also a bit scared we won’t be able to do all the things we want to do. Like, going shopping a lot, seeing a musical, watching Mockingjay as soon as possible (seriously, this is a thing I’m absolutely scared of. I don’t want to be the last one of the Forum girls to see Mockingjay because Panem means so much to me and I want to see it as soon as I possibly can and I want to celebrate this and ugh), going sightseeing a bit and all that.
So, now I can hopefully take a deep breath and stop worrying quite as much.
See you soon ❤