Something happened this week and I’m feeling very shit because of it and I basically just want to sort my thoughts out and write everything down. Because that is what this blog is for.
Monday morning I had to get up at 6am to get ready for school, as every Monday and Thursday. While I was putting my make up on my dad (who leaves 15 minutes before me) came again into the flat. I wondered if he had forgot something. Then I heard him going to the kitchen and talking to my mom who woke up like 5 minutes before. He said “Maxi was driven over” and my mom said “Ahh, no!”.
I sat there in shock, even finished putting my eyeshadow or whatever I was holding in my hand at that time. My dad said something else I didn’t really notice and then went back downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and said “What?!”. I coulnd’t believe it. I of course knew what I had heard but didn’t want to believe it so I just looked at my mom and started crying on spot. She got up, hugged me, I cried more and more but I had to get ready and leave for school.
She said “Just focus on school” and I did that. I kind of got my make up in order again, put on my sunglasses and got on my bike. I tried to distract myself for the whole day, from 7am to 4pm when I was finally home. It was so hard. I tried to pay as much attention as I could in school and chattet with friends on my phone and just didn’t want to think about it. Because I knew that if I would think of these 7 minutes in the morning that probably destroyed my week I would start crying and I wouldn’t be able to stop. So I pushed all the thoughts away.
But the minute I got home it was over. I cried on my bike and I cried in the garden and I cried and hugged my mom and started sobbing so much I couldn’t even speak proberly.
So who is Maxi? Or who was Maxi…
Max is my cat. The beautiful, cute, adorable cat you can see in the picture above. He was 15 years old. I’m 16, I have known him for almost my whole life, I have no memory of home without him.
And now he’s gone. My cat was killed by a fucking car in the fucking night from Sunday to Monday.
I can’t believe it.
I’m crying now again by the way.
Because I’m always crying when I’m thinking of my beloved cat.
He’s dead. Gone.
I knew him for so long, he was always there. ALWAYS. I grew up with him and he with me. He was so special to me. I never had another pet. And I don’t have siblings, I’m an only child, so he was besides my parents my family.
I have so many memories with my cat. How we had to bring him to the vet so often because he didn’t stop fighting with other animals, even though he got older. How he scratched me and gave me little scars because he got angry so suddenly. How he so often slept in my bed and left all his black hair there or the dirt under his paws which annoyed me a lot. How he came to sit on my lap in the evenings when I was on my laptop watching YouTube videos or TV shows. How he came to me when he was angry at my parents for some reason. How he was always hungry and ate so much. How he missed me when I was gone for a few days and came back yelling at me and being all cute and adorable and wanting to spend time with me. How I always picked him up and carried him through the flat, no matter if he liked it or not, but mostly he just snuggled into my shoulder.
How he was there for me over the past 8 months when I was so anxious about work. How he was there for me when I sat crying in the kitchen or my room and couldn’t do anything but cry because I felt so shit and nothing worked out. And he came to me or I just picked him up and he was there for me. He purred and I pet him and he was there for me. Always was there for me.
But now he isn’t anymore.
Because he’s dead.
He was always so reckless and run over the streets with barely looking for cars. But he always made it.
And now, when I really really need him, he didn’t make it.
I thought about it. A few months ago I started to get really anxious that I could really break down if he’s not there anymore to calm me and help me and be there for me.
And now? How am I going to calm myself and feel better?
I don’t know.
And that scares me.
I have been crying so much this week. I cried when I told people about it, I cried with my mom, I cried myself to sleep every night since Monday.
I can’t cope with things being over. I still have this problem with getting over things like HobbitCon, but this… this is so much worse…
I miss him so much.
I miss his smell, his black beautiful fur, how cute he looked, how he just was always around, how he lay in my bad or said hello when I came hom from work or school.
How he always was in the garden with us when we made a BBQ or drank coffee there.
Today we drank coffee again in the garden. First time without him. It was so hard for me to hold it togehter, really. But I didn’t want to cry in front of my parents.
Because I think they’re moving on pretty well, but I’m not.
And I’m sure I want another cat. I always knew I’d want one if Maxi died.
But I’m scared of talking to my parents about it beacuse I’m scared they might not want another one…
But right now I’m just missing him so much…
And I can’t stop crying because of him…
And I don’t know what to do to get over it…
Not at all…
And I don’t want to break down.
But right now it doesn’t feel like it’s ever getting better.
See you soon ❤